During the summer of 2009, we relocated from Wisconsin to Ohio to plant the church we now pastor. We knew God had called us, but it was still one of the most difficult things we have ever navigated as a couple.
There was the emotional strain of leaving family members and friends to move to a city where we did not know anyone.
Then there was the financial pressure. Our income went from more than $100,000 to about $20,000. Suddenly, date nights consisted of sharing a fast-food meal because it was all we could afford. At one point, we even took on a newspaper route to supplement our income.
Physically, we were exhausted from the move, the stress, and the struggle to stay afloat.
Such challenges can test even the healthiest relationship. We trusted God to work it all out for our good and His glory, while also acknowledging our responsibility to strengthen our marriage lest we collapse under the weight of what we were experiencing.
In the midst of that trying season, we refocused on the basics. Looking back, we realize the qualities that have helped us weather the storms of life and ministry together are essential for any marriage — in good and bad times.
Communication
Communication is vital to the health of every relationship. During difficult times, it is especially important to talk about your thoughts, feelings, frustrations, desires and needs. That way, you will both know how best to support, encourage, and pray for each other.
Mind reading is not a gift of the Spirit. If you want your spouse to hear what is going on in your head and heart, you have to be willing to open up.
Talking about feelings is not always easy, but it is always important. Find a time, place, and method that feels comfortable for you. It may be an evening chat session after the kids are in bed or a handwritten letter.
Be sure communication goes both ways. Listen intently and respectfully to what your spouse has to say as well.
Intimacy
Intimacy — with Jesus and with your spouse — is vital to a healthy marriage.
Maintaining consistent times of prayer, worship, and Bible study will help cultivate a vibrant spiritual environment in your home. Engage in these spiritual disciplines individually, as a couple, and as a family. You will be building a foundation that will stand up against the fiercest storms.
Jesus said, “Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock” (Matthew 7:24–25).
Intimacy with your spouse goes beyond physical touch (though that is certainly part of it). Discover what makes you feel closer to each other on a deep, heart level.
We love taking long drives. We talk, laugh, sing, take in the scenery, stop off at farmers markets, pray, sit in silence, and dream. Early Saturday mornings are our go times. These drives have done wonders to refresh our souls.
Such interaction keeps the flames of romance burning, even when the skies grow dark and the winds howl.
Don’t let the busyness of ministry keep you from carving out space for the God who called you and the partner He gave you.
Compromise
Concessions are sometimes necessary, especially in times of crisis. When a marriage becomes too one-sided or ministry always takes priority, the relationship suffers.
In March 2014, we had just returned home from the hospital following the birth of our sixth child when we learned of the drowning death of a 9-month-old child in our neighborhood.
Knowing we were pastors, our neighbors began reaching out to us for guidance. Given the unique circumstances, we agreed to allow ministry to intrude on our precious family time in that instance. Friends and family members stepped in to help at home so we could make this compromise work.
On many other occasions, we have pulled back from ministry demands to focus on our home life. We believe this is crucial. Even Jesus withdrew from the crowds at times and encouraged His disciples to do the same (Mark 6:31; Luke 9:10).
Understanding
Seek to know and understand your spouse’s needs. Proverbs 24:3 says, “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established.”
Quality time has always been essential for both of us. With a large family and growing church, our schedules fill up quickly. However, we understand time together is too important to neglect. So, we plan regular dates, occasional weekend getaways, and annual family vacations.
Our time together doesn’t have to be expensive. The point is to strengthen bonds, make memories, and grow in understanding.
Every few years, we also take a six-week sabbatical to focus solely on the health of our marriage and souls. We use this time to evaluate how things are between us, connect on a deeper level, and discuss what changes we need to make.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens.” We have discovered burdens are indeed lighter when we carry them together. Understanding helps us do that.
Continually check in on your marriage. Find out what heavy load your spouse is carrying so you can help shoulder it.
Love
Love is not just a feeling. It is an action word. We need to make conscious decisions to show love to each other.
Small actions can go a long way toward making your spouse feel valued and appreciated.
One way to communicate love is through compliments and affirmation. An unexpected handwritten note or card can help build your spouse’s confidence and offer reassurance, especially after a tough week in ministry.
Another way to express affection is by surprising your spouse with a small, spontaneous gesture. Plan a midweek date. Send her flowers. Pick up tickets to the concert he hoped to see. Do whatever it takes to let your spouse know you are always thinking about him or her.
We have all heard tragic stories of marriages failing amid the challenges of ministry. However, this does not have to be your story. You can have a healthy and resilient marriage and a healthy and effective ministry. Even when the storms come, you do not have to sacrifice one for the other.
A thriving marriage doesn’t happen on its own, though. It requires consistent investments of time, attention and affection.
Ministry leaders recognize the importance of caring for others. But we sometimes forget to extend that same level of care to our marriages. This should not be.
In good and bad times, your spouse is a blessing, partner and ally. Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Keep your marriage strong and firmly grounded on a foundation of love and faith. Then, when a storm arises, you will be better equipped to withstand it together.
This article appears in the Summer 2022 edition of Influence magazine.